Love

So, last weekend was by far the best weekend in my life. I have never felt to free to simply be me and happy with who i am next to, to wake up each day and be right next to the person i love the most in the world was by far the best experience in my life. I am utterly in love. i want nothing more than to be with her for forever. i know i would sad if i didnt finish my happy education but the crazy part of me just want to move to be with her even more.. i know better of this idea but still fo me to even think that is a purely amazing.. im infected with her love and its something i never wish to get rid of she is the most beautiful woman to me in the whole world and i would be happy to go shout that i love her from the st. Louis arch but i have a feeling i would start to cry on the way up cause of the elevator.. eww... but yeah bk on track . Elizabeth i love you so much. when i wake up ur all i think about when i go to sleep your all i want to dream about. now instead of planing weekends with the girls i save my money to come see you you have consumed my life and i am so happy you have. you have helped me learn more about my self as well as embraced me with you love and compassion. thank you so much.. i love you and will always love you and do anything for you thank you so much for choosing me.. i love you beautiful, dont you ever forget that!

A day in the life of audi.

So i wake up and i think of you
then i get ready thinking " will i see you at 4.30?
will i see you at all tonight?
i grab my coffee and head down the driveway
in the early morning light i find myself thinking about the night before
wishing i was there in the morning light to cuddle close to you and whisper
"i love you"
i wait at the end of the driveway wishing i was home with you
wrapped in your arms safe and warm
i get on the bus adjust my early morning corner
turn on my ipod and text you
"good morning, i love you"
i find myself half asleep dreaming about you
off the bus into school say "hi" to kyle
sit there in the silence
rereading the night before text messages
as the day begins i find in my free time
your all i think about ( like now)
when the shool day is comming to a close
i watch the clock in anticipation
of seeing you smiling face when i come home
you are my world
from sunrise to sunset you fill my thoughts and emotions
you have a power over me that makes me
giddy with love
you make everything right
in my world and it is so wonderful that i know when i say
" i love you"
i will always get an
" i love you too" in return..
you are my sunshine... my only sunshine.. you make me happy when skies are gray

Love... i has it.

So. this coming monday will be two months and i sincerely wish i could just spend all week with her to show her my love... but alas i have to wait till the holiday weekend. but im stil so very happy. i dont quite understand this love that swells within my soul. I have honestly never loved this much or like this. Im a very pessimistic yet honestly every time i take just a second to think of her ( when im not worrying of course) i get this big stupid grin on my face and it feels so amazing to be so happy. At two months im normally freaking out cause i either have feelings for the person and dont know how they feel or i am utterly bored with the relationship and trying to find a crafty way to break up with out getting my hands dirty. ... But this time im happy. im not scared cause i feel as if she loves me the same. and well that thought just makes me giddy. ... so heres my predicament.. how do i define this love? cause yeah... i cant seem to find words to describe this.

The Little Things.

last year i was going through depression really bad actually. it really started today last year since its now may 3... i came home and my aunt was just sitting in the chair... and then she finally spoke a little boy.. he he was in 7th grade had been shot it was a hunting accident he didnt make it out of the woods. now i live on the farm where he was hunting. i cried for a week i stayed home from school the same amount.. when you hear people talking about " the idiot boy who got shot by his on fucking dad" u have trouble coping but i started to date some one and my self esteem really started to grow. then i moved in with her. were nothing i did was right. everything was horribly wrong.. she would scream at me at least 4 times a week... my uncle tells me this is when i came close to a psychotic break down .. in the quite literal since.. i was alone in a house where i truly wasnt wanted cause i didnt fit the mold. i became meek again and just tried to stay out of the way and not cry on the hardwood. i finally convinced my mom to let me move so i moved here.. i stayed meek. i do love it here but im in fear any more. if they were to find out id be out. there's something to worry about. my self esteem really hasnt gone up much since iv been here. iv been to scared. something always happens and i always end up alone. with a brand new ocean so now that iv rambled on about why i shouldnt have any self esteem i have to be a big girl now.. and take responsibility and start acting the way i need to.. and if u actualy read this far thanks.... ok yeah so im going to get it together now... im going to do it... i need to do it.. im going ot prove the crazy lady wrong im not going to be a fuck up. im going to prove. myself wrong. and i will be happy.. rodge ramn it... im going to need alot of love. but im going to do it - thematic music that is hopeful plays in the back ground -

so scared... why cant i have a happy nailbunny?

i just sat there on my bed crying... i didnt know how to fix this stupid cut that i had created in the bond.. i was at a loss and so scared that i was going to loos her or that she wasnt going to love me any more... i know i over react but the issue is i dont know im over reacting till iv all ready fucked up ... i wish some one would give me an in depth report on how i annoy her... im so scared.. i have so much to learn and i seem to be learning the hard way. can i get a manual here? .. im trying to hold on to some one an learn about them.. and how to do this relationship all at once .. and the only mantra that seems to pop into my head is that of my former guardian " ur going to fuck up... you all ways fuck up" ... try being positive with that screaming through ur head every time u think uv even done the slightest thing wrong... it sucks ass... and i dnt want to be like that i dont want to think it but god damn im starting to feel like johnny here... i wish i could be near her.. i think my nerves would calm down if instead of me typing " i need a hug" i just put my arms around her... but hey.. love is patient... shes so beautiful and amazing i dont want to throw away my diamond cause i couldnt keep from shaking i was so scared of losing the gem...... ugg... i think ill find some prozac or something.. maey that will help... i love her... and i dont want to mess this up.