Sleep..

i keep loosing sleep over this girl... she makes me feel like iv never felt before. shes truly amazing... but iv got so little sleep lately... and i always say to my self.. oh just sleep in class but what do i do in class.. day dream about her... so here is a night when i could sleep... shes fallen asleep after a really strenuous work day and what am i doing instead of sleeping.. worrying about if shes sleeping ok.. if her knee will be alright... hoping she doesn't have to clean any more.. its amazing how much ur heart will keep you awake when its worried about its last puzzle piece... so im laying here sleepy as can be ... worrying about her... wondering all these things and still love every moment of it cause shes on my mind.

Butterflies?

So yesterday was a really bad day... i broke my fingernail and my toenail so far back the bleed... and i just stopped and cried in the hallway... it was bad. and then later ( i think) i let my paranoid PMS hormones control me into thinking she was pissed at me.. and well i felt super bad cause im this giant blob of tears and fist that keeps switching back and forth... and i no it has to be horrible to deal with...then today when i got home i tried to talk to her... and at first she sounded reluctant to talk then... i fell asleep >.< but once we both were on and awake ... she really wanted to talk and it made me so happy cause she is so beautiful and she makes me smile at just the thought of her, i know i sound like a twitterpated bird but she really is that amazing for me. She says she loves me and i by no means dispute that im just worried that we are getting used to this pattern we have... im scared i dont give her butterflies anymore ... i know she still makes my heart leap when she says she loves me or even when she IMs me... i know that is crazy but she makes me so happy ... happier than anyone has ever made me before... shes out at a show right now... and i knew she needed to go for the money but i just wish i could have been there to wrap her in my arms and make it so she couldn't go... i wish we were closer... i wish i didnt feel this need to hide... but i know i have to wait ... at least 80days before i tell anyone else... im not sure who all i can trust there... except the one i have told... i know she will love me know matter what and i hope she approves of her... they will meet soon i hope.. i just know that it will be good... i crave her arms around me more and more each day... i wake up having dreams of her lips against mine... i fall asleep with her presence near me... while friends are planing weddings im trying to figure out if i like adoption or fertilization better... iv changed and i feel better this way im happier i feel loved im not worried that im going to be betrayed. ... im head over heals... and as much as she says i have her wrapped around my finger i feel its really the other way... but none the less... she makes me happy with not ifs, or, and buts... im just happy with her... and that is the best change of all >.<

I need you by me beside me to guide me to hold me to scold me cause when im bad im so so bad.

" woke up got outta bed dragged a comb across my head made my way down stairs and had smoke" - th beatles
TODAY SUCKED!!!!
it started w/ lat night, i couldn't keep my meebo up cause the storm was making the power flicker.. and that put me a a wretched mood and i was horrible mood and i felt like shit for it , later of course im to dense to feel that way at first. ... so do to that when i woke up LATE this morning instead of seeing the face that would have calmed me and made me smile... i had the face of my alarm clock staring back at me... oh joy.. it was telling me i had 20 mins to get ready instead of my normal 45... and although 20 min may seem like alot to be considered "running late" i have to
-get dressed
-brush my teeth
-straighten my hair
-put my make up on
-fix my breakfast
-fill up my water bottle
-get my coffee
-grab my lunch
-pack my back pack
so needless to say i didnt get all that done... which in turn pissed me off even more...
THEN when i got on the bus this morning.. my purse which weighs about 5lbs... spills onto the floor of the moving bus... i honestly think i yelled fuck...
my day got progressively worse from there... i have to take a math make up thing ... and i have a test tomorrow in astronomy... and well... college is scaring the crap out of me... so iv come to this lovely conclusion that... i need a healthy dose of her every morning and every night of my day sucks... shes my drug.. :D

The Beatles

" iv just seen a face i cant forget the time or place when we just met shes just the girl for me and i wont all the world to see we've met,...fallin' yes i have fallin' and she keeps callin' me back again." - the beatles
im sitting at school scared out of my wits about someone finding out, i know i want to go on with this facade just for the few months of high school left. i dont need that many glances my way. I have one friend who i will tell , most likely after my first buckeye day. Im truly scared but also extremely happy... i was thinking last night listing everything that i had ever thought or done ( that i could remember) and i started to remember more and more... like telling my self " shes just a friend" to my best friend i 8th grade... and even stuff like truth or dare in 8th grade ... which was when i got my first kiss at a slumber party.it makes sense... and so do other physical things... it seems like it makes sense... things i never said things i dreamed when i was younger... i am in no way saying it all makes sense in fact... i must say my head is about as fuzzy as an over stuffed teddy bear, but im happy to have some one to talk to , some one who makes me feel special , some one who makes me feel loved, some one who truly care for and likes every single cell of me >.< and it makes me giggle with giddyness. so yeah im ranting in a happy kind of way .. _happy dance- life is going to be a very big rollercoaster, but , i have so one to ride with me.

Choices

wow-ness... so yeah... im leaning tword one side i see the effect that are negative, yes. but i know pliantly of people who love god as well as who they are with. I think about the things that i would have to take into concentration, adoption. defiantly a move... i have to find away to ease my self into a situation... im not a "bam" kind of a person im a ok ill dip my toe in ok ill go a foot in ok ill get my hair wet... ok maybe ill jump of the diving board.. im not a oh oh oh lets do the high dive person... wow-ness... am i really making this choice? am u really choosing that much hardship and despair? ... i wounder if every person who choose this lifestyle thought about it this much ... i know some say they are born this why but our society is built on the fake people not the real ones... so ... what made the real people choice to be real ... did they think about it as much as i am... am i crazy for thinking about it this much? am i thinking straight? am i making the right choice.

CONFUZZLATION!!

- yes i just made up the word -
ok so yeah im writing again - shock gasp-
but lately ( like last six months )
iv been contemplating me as a person there
have been some changes i have attempted to make
changing friends choosing to do or not to do things...
and there has been this one nagging issue that i keep
thinking about and i thought it was fixed when i met this guy...
well not only did he move to GA he wont
even message me back on myspace
so that answer to my problem is null and void.
but recently ( last 2 months ) the question
has been in my head more and
more lately and trying to figure out where i belong...
and what i should choose
and the answer is becoming more unclear...
my religious background is not a help in this
at all i look at my aunt and see how well her church has done...
and FUCK ME this suck rawr. to the evil world of games...

help...