Crying

i find myself crying everyday
i want this internal rain cloud to dry out
but it just keeps comeing... i cant seem how to grasp that
hes gone
he really wasnt that strong
he was only a kid
i need to talk i need tyo converse my thought with some one
but im left empty handed when it comes to that everyone i try to talk to it about up and disappears they all leave they dont want to deal
i dont want to deal
i need to deal

fuck...

im head over heals and scared of falling and breaking my neck...

i know its not my place to tell you what to do who to see where to be.
but cant i be allowed my opinion of people...?
trouble seems to follow this person in search of the kill..
i dont want you taken away from me..
you have to be thinking somethings not right with him also...
you where so excited for me to meet all of your friends and your family..
and this dude it took 5 times of me seeing him before u introduced us...
it was twice before you introduced me to cody...
you dont stay in the room to talk
your secretive...
that shit scares me...
i dont want to worry but i dont know how not to.
i just want to be able to know ur out haveing fun when ur not with me
and i dont understand how ur mind will let u not stress when ur with someone who is fucking running...
i wish you would just stick to the people your proud of me to meet.
and i hope your still proud to call me urs...
i love you... i care about u... i promise im not trying to be your mother..
i just dont want to loose you so i worry.

Iv grown accustom to your face

your amazing dear.
youve seemingly swept me off my feet before i had a chance to put them on the ground.
your so amazing and i cant figure out how the hell i managed to become your girl but im so happy i am. im not sure if ill show you this website so you can read it but i love you so much you make me so happy and im so sorry im sad all the time its just how i protected my self for so many years but you really do make me happy i promise just give me time to learn to smile right side up and ill be there.. ::kisses::

sitting on the side lines

here i sit. waiting im told i could cheer so loudly, just maybe call every now and then. i wish i could scream out "good job sweety!" "i love you so much!" , and " im so proud of you" but i cant. cause if i scream to loudly i might become annoying and pest in the back of your mind. so i promise i love you no less i promise i have faith in you no less. i promise your no less beautiful. i promise i really am still here for you. im just sitting on the sidelines all you have to do is call my name.

cravings

i crave you night and day not just ur body but you mind your presence you love i crave all of you i want to be with you forever and now. please give that to me you continuously apologize for what youve done but iv told you over and over its ok. its in the past.. if you feel like you must give some form of retribution for what was done give this to me. give me the only thing iv ever craved. all i want is to love you and to be loved by you and for the whole blasted world to know it. i want to be yours forever no matter what i love you with all of my heart and soul and i dont understand this continuous procrastination you have nothing to be worried about, other than your own doubt. i love you and i know you love me. ugg. rawr. please this is really all i want.

oh happy day... oh happy day

shes back to her again happy dance omgz happy! meow! :happy:

stupid

so yeah... i feel like a complete idiot. and a hypocrite. i need to get over myself and just kinda learn to trust i guess. i need to stop doubting myself as well as everyone else. i love her with all of my heart i need to get it through my thick skull that she is the exact same. i need to learn that the whole world isnt out to get me as much as it may seem. she told me last night that when i question her like i was it pushes her away, when she said that i felt like ramming my head into a wall i remembered yelling the same thing at my mom when she said she didnt trust me. i really do see how much impact i have i didnt notice before. shes sad and i have a chance to help and all im doing is making things worse. not anymore . i love her to much to just let her slip through my fingers and disappear. ill do better. i love you elizabeth.

ouch.

that hurt.
i dont know its its "high school drama" or what but that hurt. why would you want the person who you say ( and i do believe you) love so much to leave you alone... why. why those words... idk if they have a different tone to you but leave me alone is what i scream at the people i hate not the hate of like i want to kill you but like my mom the people i have lived with family who i dont really want to ever be around for more than a few hours... leave me alone is what i scream when i cant take it anymore. ... so im sorry that im hurt by 3 little words but i really would much rather have read 3 other words... ones that would have made me more calm . not words that just make me want to cry .

Trust in me said the snake trust in me.

So, my life seems so roller coaster-ish lately it had been wretched for so many weeks but its getting back to normal thats what i seem like im doing so often lately.. chasing normal... i was almost there then she went poof last night.. i doubt it was anything other than she was just tired and forgot to call bk. i trust in her, not myself but her. i dont trust my self not to worry i dont trust my self not to spaz out when she doesnt talk to me for a couple of hours. i dont trust myself to not cry when times are down. i dont trust myself to not worry when shes away. i dont trust myself to make her happy. i trust her, i know her love is true, i know she really does care, i know when shes away she would never do anything to make me worry, i know she worries with an honest heart, i know she will always be there. but goddamn it. i dont trust me. every time i start to feel better about trusting myself im lowered a notch or two between my family upset with me, things going wrong and the only logical explanation is it my fault... i know i need to trust myself but i dont know how to fix that... help. please.

meow..help..meow

So, what to do.. im scared out of my mind that my love is drifting from me.. iv hardly talked to her since i left her house.. it terrifies me i know she hates reassuring but i need it any more. some days i go with out hearing her voice at all along with others all i get are 20 words at the most... I dont mean to be needy or to take her away from her friends but i miss her i love her why cant i talk to her? or see her? am i being punished for something or am i being pushed off to the side for a better view of everything else.. I love her so much and i know i should think this i know i should just think " shes busy she loves you nothing to worry about" ... but in the past this is when worry mode gets kicked into high gear. only one person has made it this far in a relationship with me.. dont i have cause to worry? or am i just being a selfish immature clingy girlfriend who needs to grow up before she looses the one thing she loves the most in this world... i need help... ugg.. lots and lots of help.

Love

So, last weekend was by far the best weekend in my life. I have never felt to free to simply be me and happy with who i am next to, to wake up each day and be right next to the person i love the most in the world was by far the best experience in my life. I am utterly in love. i want nothing more than to be with her for forever. i know i would sad if i didnt finish my happy education but the crazy part of me just want to move to be with her even more.. i know better of this idea but still fo me to even think that is a purely amazing.. im infected with her love and its something i never wish to get rid of she is the most beautiful woman to me in the whole world and i would be happy to go shout that i love her from the st. Louis arch but i have a feeling i would start to cry on the way up cause of the elevator.. eww... but yeah bk on track . Elizabeth i love you so much. when i wake up ur all i think about when i go to sleep your all i want to dream about. now instead of planing weekends with the girls i save my money to come see you you have consumed my life and i am so happy you have. you have helped me learn more about my self as well as embraced me with you love and compassion. thank you so much.. i love you and will always love you and do anything for you thank you so much for choosing me.. i love you beautiful, dont you ever forget that!

A day in the life of audi.

So i wake up and i think of you
then i get ready thinking " will i see you at 4.30?
will i see you at all tonight?
i grab my coffee and head down the driveway
in the early morning light i find myself thinking about the night before
wishing i was there in the morning light to cuddle close to you and whisper
"i love you"
i wait at the end of the driveway wishing i was home with you
wrapped in your arms safe and warm
i get on the bus adjust my early morning corner
turn on my ipod and text you
"good morning, i love you"
i find myself half asleep dreaming about you
off the bus into school say "hi" to kyle
sit there in the silence
rereading the night before text messages
as the day begins i find in my free time
your all i think about ( like now)
when the shool day is comming to a close
i watch the clock in anticipation
of seeing you smiling face when i come home
you are my world
from sunrise to sunset you fill my thoughts and emotions
you have a power over me that makes me
giddy with love
you make everything right
in my world and it is so wonderful that i know when i say
" i love you"
i will always get an
" i love you too" in return..
you are my sunshine... my only sunshine.. you make me happy when skies are gray

Love... i has it.

So. this coming monday will be two months and i sincerely wish i could just spend all week with her to show her my love... but alas i have to wait till the holiday weekend. but im stil so very happy. i dont quite understand this love that swells within my soul. I have honestly never loved this much or like this. Im a very pessimistic yet honestly every time i take just a second to think of her ( when im not worrying of course) i get this big stupid grin on my face and it feels so amazing to be so happy. At two months im normally freaking out cause i either have feelings for the person and dont know how they feel or i am utterly bored with the relationship and trying to find a crafty way to break up with out getting my hands dirty. ... But this time im happy. im not scared cause i feel as if she loves me the same. and well that thought just makes me giddy. ... so heres my predicament.. how do i define this love? cause yeah... i cant seem to find words to describe this.

The Little Things.

last year i was going through depression really bad actually. it really started today last year since its now may 3... i came home and my aunt was just sitting in the chair... and then she finally spoke a little boy.. he he was in 7th grade had been shot it was a hunting accident he didnt make it out of the woods. now i live on the farm where he was hunting. i cried for a week i stayed home from school the same amount.. when you hear people talking about " the idiot boy who got shot by his on fucking dad" u have trouble coping but i started to date some one and my self esteem really started to grow. then i moved in with her. were nothing i did was right. everything was horribly wrong.. she would scream at me at least 4 times a week... my uncle tells me this is when i came close to a psychotic break down .. in the quite literal since.. i was alone in a house where i truly wasnt wanted cause i didnt fit the mold. i became meek again and just tried to stay out of the way and not cry on the hardwood. i finally convinced my mom to let me move so i moved here.. i stayed meek. i do love it here but im in fear any more. if they were to find out id be out. there's something to worry about. my self esteem really hasnt gone up much since iv been here. iv been to scared. something always happens and i always end up alone. with a brand new ocean so now that iv rambled on about why i shouldnt have any self esteem i have to be a big girl now.. and take responsibility and start acting the way i need to.. and if u actualy read this far thanks.... ok yeah so im going to get it together now... im going to do it... i need to do it.. im going ot prove the crazy lady wrong im not going to be a fuck up. im going to prove. myself wrong. and i will be happy.. rodge ramn it... im going to need alot of love. but im going to do it - thematic music that is hopeful plays in the back ground -

so scared... why cant i have a happy nailbunny?

i just sat there on my bed crying... i didnt know how to fix this stupid cut that i had created in the bond.. i was at a loss and so scared that i was going to loos her or that she wasnt going to love me any more... i know i over react but the issue is i dont know im over reacting till iv all ready fucked up ... i wish some one would give me an in depth report on how i annoy her... im so scared.. i have so much to learn and i seem to be learning the hard way. can i get a manual here? .. im trying to hold on to some one an learn about them.. and how to do this relationship all at once .. and the only mantra that seems to pop into my head is that of my former guardian " ur going to fuck up... you all ways fuck up" ... try being positive with that screaming through ur head every time u think uv even done the slightest thing wrong... it sucks ass... and i dnt want to be like that i dont want to think it but god damn im starting to feel like johnny here... i wish i could be near her.. i think my nerves would calm down if instead of me typing " i need a hug" i just put my arms around her... but hey.. love is patient... shes so beautiful and amazing i dont want to throw away my diamond cause i couldnt keep from shaking i was so scared of losing the gem...... ugg... i think ill find some prozac or something.. maey that will help... i love her... and i dont want to mess this up.

james blunt...

"Tears And Rain"

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tears and Rain.

Tears and Rain.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.






So, the past 2 weeks( i thinks its only been that long) i have been freaking out... and i know it must be annoying... im so scared that my nervous texting will annoy her away from me... like last night she was at a friends and i knew she really didnt need to be bothered... and what do i do i text her 6 times... last night then was extremely rude this morning... and i dont mean to be and i dont normally notice it till later.... and i feel like poo cause im bothering the shit out of her... and im really scared that if i dont find a way to calm down soon ill have done some serious damage if i haven't already...
and im scared... i dont want to fuck this up... but all my life thats what iv been and i dont know how to not do that.. ugg... ok im stopping typing now... cause im starting to tear up and i cant cry right before dinner or my guardian will be in a tizzy... ugg... i need hugs. and a brain.

day one

( do you remember in buffy how willow and tara were so happy with one another... yeah its that perfect)






day one...
i love her... she makes me so happy i was so scared this morning that i was going to fuck something up... but it was perfect. and i love her so much more than i ever dreamed i could love anyone.. she makes me see stars im so blinded by her sheer amazingness ... im head over heals and i merely care about her the most its that simple... she makes my life so amazing just by being there on the phone... and today being in her arms you couldnt give me enough money to replace how great i felt.. im so happy... im so fucking happy.

... be warey of the the storms... they can be tricky

she answered... im better... something is still up ill do research will im waiting.. but she answered

Who'll stop the rain.

Every time it rains our life is screwed up for the duration of the storm and the morning after... its raining tonight... and i hate it so much... i just want to talk to her and that cant happen .. i know i can be to clingy or hung up... but i want to spend every second talking to her that i can... its how i trying to make up for not getting to see her...i know the message i left her will make her upset or feel bad... and i feel like crap for that... i let my emo-selfishness kick in way to quick and now she wont be herself, she'll be sad... i miss her... i fell asleep so fast last night.. i dont even remember falling asleep... i didnt take 5 mins to tell her good night or anything... nothing... and now i cant talk to her... and something is wrong weather, moon, past,... something is wrong with me... everything makes me want to hide and cry. that is my biggest worry... i cried on the phone ... i didnt mean to but my spark of sadness turned into a bonfire really quick ... and i just lost it...ill be out at work staying the night tomorrow... and i wont get to see her most likely... i hate this... i wish i had my car... and my cell ... although if i could call her when ever she would probably turn her love into hate so fast.. im the most annoying person youll ever meet at times... and im so scared cause what will happen if shes not there anymore? what will happen when i cross the line... what will happen when i fuck up the first time... have i already done that?
i love her... i miss her... i dont want to mess this up.
i want the rain to stop.

Sleep..

i keep loosing sleep over this girl... she makes me feel like iv never felt before. shes truly amazing... but iv got so little sleep lately... and i always say to my self.. oh just sleep in class but what do i do in class.. day dream about her... so here is a night when i could sleep... shes fallen asleep after a really strenuous work day and what am i doing instead of sleeping.. worrying about if shes sleeping ok.. if her knee will be alright... hoping she doesn't have to clean any more.. its amazing how much ur heart will keep you awake when its worried about its last puzzle piece... so im laying here sleepy as can be ... worrying about her... wondering all these things and still love every moment of it cause shes on my mind.

Butterflies?

So yesterday was a really bad day... i broke my fingernail and my toenail so far back the bleed... and i just stopped and cried in the hallway... it was bad. and then later ( i think) i let my paranoid PMS hormones control me into thinking she was pissed at me.. and well i felt super bad cause im this giant blob of tears and fist that keeps switching back and forth... and i no it has to be horrible to deal with...then today when i got home i tried to talk to her... and at first she sounded reluctant to talk then... i fell asleep >.< but once we both were on and awake ... she really wanted to talk and it made me so happy cause she is so beautiful and she makes me smile at just the thought of her, i know i sound like a twitterpated bird but she really is that amazing for me. She says she loves me and i by no means dispute that im just worried that we are getting used to this pattern we have... im scared i dont give her butterflies anymore ... i know she still makes my heart leap when she says she loves me or even when she IMs me... i know that is crazy but she makes me so happy ... happier than anyone has ever made me before... shes out at a show right now... and i knew she needed to go for the money but i just wish i could have been there to wrap her in my arms and make it so she couldn't go... i wish we were closer... i wish i didnt feel this need to hide... but i know i have to wait ... at least 80days before i tell anyone else... im not sure who all i can trust there... except the one i have told... i know she will love me know matter what and i hope she approves of her... they will meet soon i hope.. i just know that it will be good... i crave her arms around me more and more each day... i wake up having dreams of her lips against mine... i fall asleep with her presence near me... while friends are planing weddings im trying to figure out if i like adoption or fertilization better... iv changed and i feel better this way im happier i feel loved im not worried that im going to be betrayed. ... im head over heals... and as much as she says i have her wrapped around my finger i feel its really the other way... but none the less... she makes me happy with not ifs, or, and buts... im just happy with her... and that is the best change of all >.<

I need you by me beside me to guide me to hold me to scold me cause when im bad im so so bad.

" woke up got outta bed dragged a comb across my head made my way down stairs and had smoke" - th beatles
TODAY SUCKED!!!!
it started w/ lat night, i couldn't keep my meebo up cause the storm was making the power flicker.. and that put me a a wretched mood and i was horrible mood and i felt like shit for it , later of course im to dense to feel that way at first. ... so do to that when i woke up LATE this morning instead of seeing the face that would have calmed me and made me smile... i had the face of my alarm clock staring back at me... oh joy.. it was telling me i had 20 mins to get ready instead of my normal 45... and although 20 min may seem like alot to be considered "running late" i have to
-get dressed
-brush my teeth
-straighten my hair
-put my make up on
-fix my breakfast
-fill up my water bottle
-get my coffee
-grab my lunch
-pack my back pack
so needless to say i didnt get all that done... which in turn pissed me off even more...
THEN when i got on the bus this morning.. my purse which weighs about 5lbs... spills onto the floor of the moving bus... i honestly think i yelled fuck...
my day got progressively worse from there... i have to take a math make up thing ... and i have a test tomorrow in astronomy... and well... college is scaring the crap out of me... so iv come to this lovely conclusion that... i need a healthy dose of her every morning and every night of my day sucks... shes my drug.. :D

The Beatles

" iv just seen a face i cant forget the time or place when we just met shes just the girl for me and i wont all the world to see we've met,...fallin' yes i have fallin' and she keeps callin' me back again." - the beatles
im sitting at school scared out of my wits about someone finding out, i know i want to go on with this facade just for the few months of high school left. i dont need that many glances my way. I have one friend who i will tell , most likely after my first buckeye day. Im truly scared but also extremely happy... i was thinking last night listing everything that i had ever thought or done ( that i could remember) and i started to remember more and more... like telling my self " shes just a friend" to my best friend i 8th grade... and even stuff like truth or dare in 8th grade ... which was when i got my first kiss at a slumber party.it makes sense... and so do other physical things... it seems like it makes sense... things i never said things i dreamed when i was younger... i am in no way saying it all makes sense in fact... i must say my head is about as fuzzy as an over stuffed teddy bear, but im happy to have some one to talk to , some one who makes me feel special , some one who makes me feel loved, some one who truly care for and likes every single cell of me >.< and it makes me giggle with giddyness. so yeah im ranting in a happy kind of way .. _happy dance- life is going to be a very big rollercoaster, but , i have so one to ride with me.

Choices

wow-ness... so yeah... im leaning tword one side i see the effect that are negative, yes. but i know pliantly of people who love god as well as who they are with. I think about the things that i would have to take into concentration, adoption. defiantly a move... i have to find away to ease my self into a situation... im not a "bam" kind of a person im a ok ill dip my toe in ok ill go a foot in ok ill get my hair wet... ok maybe ill jump of the diving board.. im not a oh oh oh lets do the high dive person... wow-ness... am i really making this choice? am u really choosing that much hardship and despair? ... i wounder if every person who choose this lifestyle thought about it this much ... i know some say they are born this why but our society is built on the fake people not the real ones... so ... what made the real people choice to be real ... did they think about it as much as i am... am i crazy for thinking about it this much? am i thinking straight? am i making the right choice.

CONFUZZLATION!!

- yes i just made up the word -
ok so yeah im writing again - shock gasp-
but lately ( like last six months )
iv been contemplating me as a person there
have been some changes i have attempted to make
changing friends choosing to do or not to do things...
and there has been this one nagging issue that i keep
thinking about and i thought it was fixed when i met this guy...
well not only did he move to GA he wont
even message me back on myspace
so that answer to my problem is null and void.
but recently ( last 2 months ) the question
has been in my head more and
more lately and trying to figure out where i belong...
and what i should choose
and the answer is becoming more unclear...
my religious background is not a help in this
at all i look at my aunt and see how well her church has done...
and FUCK ME this suck rawr. to the evil world of games...

help...